This and that

August 27th, 2005 @ 11:26 AM in Etcetera

It’s been quite a while since I blogged something personal and/or meaningful. Part of the reason was because I have become too lazy about this whole blogging thing, and the other reason was because I haven’t been using my dictation program that often (or at all) for the last several months due to the worsening of my speech impairment. I’m hoping the next appointment with my neurologist will somewhat “relieve” that, because I was doing much better before the follow-up.

Anyway, here are what has been happening in the last several months:

My father had a minor heart surgery, because one of the arteries leading to his heart was being clogging up mainly because, according to his doctor, of him smoking. Apparently, however, it didn’t scare him enough, because he has no intention of quitting. And yet, he’s very afraid of death. He’s a man of no self-control. He has diabetes, high blood pressure and now he has a heart condition — all of which smoking is very bad for — but he has no control over his own life. Talk about a hedonistic man. When I said before that he has a border-line personality disorder, I was apparently correct. Enough of that already.

My mother is going through aenopause. Well, she has been for the last couple of years, but she’s starting to complain about pains here and there — especially on her wrists and knees. She’s taking Estroven and Move Free — all natural remedies — but apparently they aren’t helping much. She has no medical insurance, so she hesitates on seeing a doctor even though there is one hospital for people with low-income. I’m really worried about this situation. Frankly, I’m more worried about who will look after me should she has to have some kind of surgeries. I will soon have to get a personal assistant other than my mother, I know, but I don’t think I’m ready just yet to get used to someone else.

I have started using this trackball more than using the keypad as a mouse. I use it in my right hand, and cursor movements are now really convenient; however, if I use it for too long, the joints of my last two fingers get really painful. I think it’s because I hold it too tight at times; nonetheless, browsing is much more convenient now.

Work has been really slow for the last couple of weeks since I have already finished most of their databases and they aren’t going to have me switch their hosting provider due to lack of budget and uncertainty of available personnel, meaning they aren’t going to hire me as a permanent employee. I will have to look for another internship or preferably permanent employment elsewhere after 4 more months. Oh, well. The current workplace is too far from my place anyway.

We are having financial difficulties; that is, our “reserves” are getting low. Obviously, expenses are higher then monthly income, and my father hasn’t been having. I mean, even with the soaring gas prices, etc., he has been going fishing four to five hours away 2 or 3 times a month. Imagine the bill! Well, anyway, at least he’s going to open our old business in Olympia this November to December; however, my mother is very worried if he could do the job with his current health condition (forgetfulness due to lack of blood going to his brain which in turn is caused by clogged artery). I say it’s his fault and no one else’s, so he ought to endure it. He will at best last about 3 years from now. 68 years are enough, I say — especially with his health conditions.

I don’t know if it’s my age or what, but I’m beginning to see the reality of my life, and I don’t see the light at the other end of the tunnel anymore. That is, I used to have some hopes of becoming “normal” and having a normal life, but I’m beginning to see that some things won’t be possible in my life. I really want to get married, have a couple of kids and do what others take for granted, but I don’t think those are “feasible” for me because of my disability. This realization makes me lose all purposes in my life and sometimes I feel all things are futile and useless. I’m living because I have to and not because I want to. What saddens me more is that I can’t even end my own life. Sometimes I feel I should have done it when I had the means. I really regret it at times. You see, I’m not afraid of death, because I strongly believe in reincarnation even though I’m a Catholic. If someone hands me a pistol, I think I would shoot myself. Sure, I would somewhat hesitate it for a while, but I would eventually.

Don’t worry, though, because I’m not as suicidal as I sound. I just have been feeling down for a while now. It seems like the anti-depressant I’m taking isn’t working as well as before.